A Trip to the Dentist
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ(bright light shining) (head back, eyes closed) (funny taste, weird smell)read more
View ArticleHoly Shit! Ezra Pound's Ghost is in my Refrigerator!
The other day I read a poem by a British human named Debs about an entity that attacked her in the middle of the night and tried to steal her Calvin Klein underwearread more
View ArticleDiary of a Crack Smoking Cannibal (The Epileptic Vampire Remix)
Day 1: Went to the rodeo in a wedding gown and lassoed up a gorilla to bring home to the illegal monkey farm I’ve got going in my attic.read more
View ArticleSOMEBODY STOLE MY CAT!
I think somebody stole my cat. It was here last night before I went out drinking and having sexual relations with truck drivers. Now it's not here and the window is open.read more
View ArticleThe Exploding Penis
So I woke up this morning and got out of bed to use the toilet, when suddenly MY PENIS EXPLODED!No, not like a spontaneous ejaculation, (though that happens to me sometimes)read more
View ArticleThe Baboon Living in my Closet Is Named FRED
There’s a baboon living in my closet His name is Fred The voices in my head tell me his name is Steve But I still call him Fredread more
View ArticleShooting Midgets from a Catapult and Watching Our Teacher Tap Dance Nude
I woke up late today The alarm clock had grown arms and legs and ran away Scratching my testicles and stumbling into the kitchen, I found an alligator eating my Cheeriosread more
View ArticleMy Psychiatrist Is A Gangsta-Rapping Leprechaun, Who Does Yoga, And Is A...
Recently, I’ve been putting on sexy lingerie under my trench coat and going out into the crowded South Beach streets, flashing people and then smacking them in the faceread more
View ArticleFiring Newborn Babies from a Slingshot and Attacking Celebrities with a...
Hassidic Rabbis jumping on a trampoline toilet papered my house.So I put on a wedding gown and drove my moped to the all-you-can-eat buffet in Boca Raton.read more
View ArticleFlaming Penis Cannibals Gave Me THE SWINE FLU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Flaming Penis Cannibals tore up my Lady GaGa poster, purposely punctured the blow up Susan Boyle sex doll I fly as a kite every once in a while,read more
View ArticleI'M AFRAID OF NAKED WOMEN! (The Satanic Toilet Monster Dream Remix)
Ever had that dream where you’re walking into the girls’ bathroom of your old high school about to shave your hair into a mohawk?Well I had that dream the other night…read more
View ArticleWhere's My Voodoo Shakespeare Testicle?
I was out on a nude beach with my metal detector looking for buried treasure, when I stumbled across something that appeared kinda weird.read more
View ArticlePlease stop setting turtle shit on fire and throwing it at people.
My pet turtle spoke to me in a British accent and said that the anus vampires in the grocery store with small penises inadvertently killed Elvis.read more
View ArticleI Called a Phone Sex Hotline and Impersonated an Elderly British Woman
XII: I walked into Wal-Mart dressed in Eskimo gear and jumped an imaginary jump-rope all through the aislesread more
View ArticleParis Hilton's Diarrhea
I was standing butt-naked in the laundromat of my apartment building watching a pot-bellied man in overalls try to make pasta in the jacuzzi outsideread more
View ArticleI HAVE A WEIRD HAIRCUT AND DO AEROBICS NAKED IN PUBLIC PLACES
Recently I started growing out my bangs and quickly became enamored with them as they began cascading down to my chin.read more
View ArticleHOMOSEXUAL TEENAGE VAMPIRES FUCK WITH MY SERENITY
I was doing a handstand and watching an exercise video, when a homosexual teenage vampire on a pogo stick burst out of a fireplace that doesn’t exist and hopped out into my living room;read more
View ArticleSANTA GOES APESHIT (the infernal prophesies)
2010: Deranged department store Santas run amok nationwide surf motorcycles into shopping malls, carrying chainsaws, hacking handicapped children to death...read more
View ArticleFUCK YOU
Fuck you I am not your marketing statistic Fuck you I am not your demographic Fuck you I am not defined by my bank account I am not my clothes I am not my car I am not my bling blingread more
View ArticleFAGGOT
He was a chunky, awkward, and short 15 year old who wore coke bottle glasses, spoke with a slight lisp and walked with a gimpy step due to his left leg being two inches longer than his rightread more
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